The most transformative moment of my career as a sport psychologist
The most transformative moment of my mindset coaching career happened on a Thursday night in November in 2014.
A player I was working with - the quarterback - had just returned from the most nightmarish trip you could imagine. His brother and best friend had killed each other in some crossfire of a conflict gone bad.
There was no part of me that expected this young man to be ready to play.
When it happened the week before, it was a battle with the coaching staff to let him go home. With a short week, they needed all the time they could get to get ready. When we finally convinced them to allow this player to go, he was given 48 hours to be the pall bearer and get back to campus.
Any of us after such a brutal moment would struggle to go out and perform.
When we got to the stadium, I watched his warm ups closely as the game drew near. He'd periodically wipe tears away from his cheeks through his face mask, looking away from teammates and up to the sky on several occasions, both to create some distance from these emotions and to search for comfort where he thought he'd most find it.
We came back on the field after the typical pre-game speech. I normally spent games in the press box, but for this night was asked to stay on the field for support. As the countdown to kickoff drew to a close, this young man asked me to do something I'd never done in my own life and wouldn't have ever been inclined to do:
Lead him in prayer.
In that moment, I had no idea what to say. I've never been a very religious person. I'd say I'm spiritual, at best. But I didn't want to decline, to disregard what this young man felt he needed to perform that night.
I bowed my head, and said, "I don't know how to do that. But I'll stand here with you while you pray."
Those next 30 seconds changed the way I coach forever.
I don't even remember what he said. What I remember is him grabbing both of my hands, holding them, crying, and asking for strength.
What I'd learned was that sometimes the best thing you can do is drop the need to be the expert, set aside what's best for you, and focus everything you have on giving someone else as much of what they need as possible.
Even with the popular idea of servant leadership, the tendency of leaders is to influence toward the outcomes that are most important to you.
Sometimes your team needs something that's just for them.
What can you give someone you serve that doesn't serve you, but unlocks them?